Rate Your Escort Blog

The twin-peaks of a good bum are a signal for possible sex. The sight of female breasts are simply a substitute for bouncing buttocks, he’s sure.

“Firmness, pertness and the ability to defy gravity indicated a potential mate that was healthy, fertile and good at childbearing and caring,” he’s written in his theory.

Down through time, the perfect female butt has varied — oscillating between a “pear” and the more rounded offering.

And while cultures may quibble — Western society sides with small bums, while some African tribes give cat-calls to a large triangular affair — the basic math still largely works.

“The perfect male rear has varied far less from the days of Michelangelo’s David to the celluloid outings of Brad Pitt,” the doctor of derrieres said.

He noted, the offset nature of the male bum runs counter to the normal aesthetic assumption that nature has to have perfect symmetry to be beautiful.

There is a slight difference in the way men and women judge the perfect bottom. Women put J.Lo’s caboose at the front of the train, while most men would say singer Kylie Minogue’s bottom is tops, Holmes concludes.

“The perfect female derriere has firmness to the touch and a resilience that prevents undue wobble or bounce, yet looks soft with flawless skin,” Dr. Holmes wrote in his conclusions, which I’ve kept reading, over and over again.

High marks go to bums that are dimple-free, slightly larger at their upper third, rather than their lower half. If you’re backing up to a mirror now, yours should be longer than it is wide.

Holmes also outlined a long and involved theory on the male butt — something about Jean Claude Van Damme and how it has to be hairless and in proportion to the rest of the body. But I wasn’t listening to that part, and as he talked, instead kept leafing through his research to find more of his descriptions of Kylie Minogue’s bottom.

In his “Bum factor” calculation, the perfect specimen would rate a tally of 80 points (though my interpretation of his math has a top score pegged at 81).

Holmes is not married, but has a girlfriend. He’s told her he’s calculated her at 78 or higher.

“She seems happy with that,” he said, noting she’s never asked him to flesh-out his reasoning on the high marks.

While the 56-year-old scientist has never been to Canada, he imagined our collective Bum Factor may be quite high.

“At least higher than those found in the U.S.,” he assumed.

We are a country, I boasted, full of many perfect asses.

Now, after putting form in formula, Holmes said he’s not finished with his ground shaking work. He’s investigating the mathematical equivalent of the ultimate kiss — though male researchers now urge him to uncover perfect breasts.

It’s all fine work. But given the figures he’s put in our minds, I would think he would be content to sit on his laurels.

And the formula is …

(S+C) x (B + F) ————— (T-V)

The factors are: S = overall shape; C = circularity or spherical buttocks; B = bounce factor; F = touch firmness; V = vertical ratio: Aim towards being slightly “pert.” (Reverse scale); T = skin texture. (Reverse scale)

Scoring the factors

OVERALL SHAPE: Which best decribes your bum? A trodden-on doughnut – 1 A pear dropped from a great height – 2 Rounded but dimpled, making it look square – 3 Big but more narrow than high – 4 A small peach shape – 5

CIRCULARITY: Which of these represents your bum? Square as a cheese slice – 1 Like an egg is round – 2 More pear shaped – 3 Pair of pink grapefruits – 4

BOUNCE: How resilient is your bum? Nothing can stop this badly contained jelly – 1 Wobbles for 30 seconds after one flick – 2 Cheeks don’t meet when I walk – 3 Only bounce during sex – 4 During aerobics, doesn’t even quiver – 5

TOUCH FIRMNESS: Which best describes your bum firmness to the touch? Could lose a hand in here – 1 Makes a dimple if pressed – 2 Can’t press in a centimetre – 3 Latex-coated cricket ball – 4

VERTICAL RATIO: Select nearest to your ratio. Like a traffic cone – 4 Bigger at the bottom – 3 Symmetrical both ways – 2 Like a pert pair of breasts – 1

SKIN TEXTURE: How is you bum complexion? Cellulite, spots, orange peel — you name it! – 4 Dimpling on underside – 3 Spotty but no dimpling – 2 Like a baby’s – 1

HOW DID MY BUM SCORE? Perfection! – 80 Reach for the beach! – 60 Exercise! Diet! Hope! – 40 Keep your clothes on! – 20 Stay indoors! – 0

=======

So, let me understand this – some university prof was paid to study women’s tushies? Not only that, but to study them long and hard, and to come up with a ranking system?And he did so with the blessings of his girlfriend?

I feel very sorry for Dr. Holmes right now. Know why? Because for the next week, all of his married male friends are going to drive by his house to throw rocks at his windows; and at work, his colleagues are going to key his car in the parking lot.

And then the week after that, all the women who don’t have “the perfect derriere” are going to come around to throw rocks at his car.

MOMBASA, Kenya (Reuters) – Bethan, 56, lives in southern England on the same street as best friend Allie, 64.

They are on their first holiday to Kenya, a country they say is “just full of big young boys who like us older girls.”

Hard figures are difficult to come by, but local people on the coast estimate that as many as one in five single women visiting from rich countries are in search of sex.

Allie and Bethan — who both declined to give their full names — said they planned to spend a whole month touring Kenya’s palm-fringed beaches. They would do well to avoid the country’s tourism officials.

“It’s not evil,” said Jake Grieves-Cook, chairman of the Kenya Tourist Board, when asked about the practice of older rich women traveling for sex with young Kenyan men.

“But it’s certainly something we frown upon.”

Also, the health risks are stark in a country with an AIDS prevalence of 6.9 percent. Although condom use can only be guessed at, Julia Davidson, an academic at Nottingham University who writes on sex tourism, said that in the course of her research she had met women who shunned condoms — finding them too “businesslike” for their exotic fantasies.

The white beaches of the Indian Ocean coast stretched before the friends as they both walked arm-in-arm with young African men, Allie resting her white haired-head on the shoulder of her companion, a six- foot-four 23-year-old from the Maasai tribe.

He wore new sunglasses he said were a gift from her.

“We both get something we want — where’s the negative?” Allie asked in a bar later, nursing a strong, golden cocktail.

She was still wearing her bikini top, having just pulled on a pair of jeans and a necklace of traditional African beads.

Bethan sipped the same local drink: a powerful mix of honey, fresh limes and vodka known locally as “Dawa,” or “medicine.”

She kept one eye on her date — a 20-year-old playing pool, a red bandana tying back dreadlocks and new-looking sports shoes on his feet.

He looked up and came to join her at the table, kissing her, then collecting more coins for the pool game.

“JUST UNWHOLESOME”

Grieves-Cook and many hotel managers say they are doing all they can to discourage the practice of older women picking up local boys, arguing it is far from the type of tourism they want to encourage in the east African nation.

“The head of a local hoteliers’ association told me they have begun taking measures — like refusing guests who want to change from a single to a double room,” Grieves-Cook said.

“It’s about trying to make those guests feel as uncomfortable as possible … But it’s a fine line. We are 100 percent against anything illegal, such as prostitution. But it’s different with something like this — it’s just unwholesome.”

These same beaches have long been notorious for attracting another type of sex tourists — those who abuse children.

As many as 15,000 girls in four coastal districts — about a third of all 12-18 year-olds girls there — are involved in casual sex for cash, a joint study by Kenya’s government and U.N. children’s charity UNICEF reported late last year.

Up to 3,000 more girls and boys are in full-time sex work, it said, some paid for the “most horrific and abnormal acts.”

“PREYING ON POVERTY?”

Emerging alongside this black market trade — and obvious in the bars and on the sand once the sun goes down — are thousands of elderly white women hoping for romantic, and legal, encounters with much younger Kenyan men.

They go dining at fine restaurants, then dancing, and back to expensive hotel rooms overlooking the coast.

“One type of sex tourist attracted the other,” said one manager at a shorefront bar on Mombasa’s Bamburi beach.

“Old white guys have always come for the younger girls and boys, preying on their poverty … But these old women followed … they never push the legal age limits, they seem happy just doing what is sneered at in their countries.”

Experts say some thrive on the social status and financial power that comes from taking much poorer, younger lovers.

“This is what is sold to tourists by tourism companies — a kind of return to a colonial past, where white women are served, serviced, and pampered by black minions,” said Nottinghan University’s Davidson.

“LIVE LIKE THE RICH”

Many of the visitors are on the lookout for men like Joseph.

Flashing a dazzling smile and built like an Olympic basketball star, the 22-year-old said he has slept with more than 100 white women, most of them 30 years his senior.

“When I go into the clubs, those are the only women I look for now,” he told Reuters. “I get to live like the rich mzungus (white people) who come here from rich countries, staying in the best hotels and just having my fun.”

At one club, a group of about 25 dancing men — most of them Joseph look-alikes — edge closer and closer to a crowd of more than a dozen white women, all in their autumn years.

“It’s not love, obviously. I didn’t come here looking for a husband,” Bethan said over a pounding beat from the speakers.

“It’s a social arrangement. I buy him a nice shirt and we go out for dinner. For as long as he stays with me he doesn’t pay for anything, and I get what I want — a good time. How is that different from a man buying a young girl dinner?”